—Someone Always Has It Worse—But What About Me? By Miranda J. Gardner

Background: This poem was developed in Advanced Poetry: ENG 565 at Central Washington University, taught by Professor Katharine Whitcomb, in the winter of 2024. This poem was the most difficult to write about in terms of content. I decided to write a pantoum for this poem as well. A pantoum's challenging part is making all lines work for this most recent revision. I spent a lot of time adjusting lines so the whole poem could work together. I also took the suggestion from Professor Whitcomb to create a pantoum in the first place. Professor Whitcomb also suggested that I get rid of any sing-songy lines because the content of my trauma is "Dead serious." The sing-songy aspect displays my difficulty writing about this content. I have jotted down ideas about these experiences in journals since childhood. I have worked with a therapist, and it was very hard re-living these past experiences. It is essential for healing but challenging. I still need help working through it. That difficulty has little to do with what my parents might think of my writing. They should know. What I have learned from a therapist is that if I need to protect them that is part of being a "victim." And it is a way of protecting the perpetrator. When I began to see it this way, I knew I had to write this. There are fewer drafts of this poem because I spent quite a bit of time adjusting each line in these drafts that came after the first draft, which was more of a rough draft.

Note: I took out the names of the foster brothers. I call them simply “foster brother 1” and foster brother 2.”

"Someone Always Has It Worse—But What About Me?"

In the shadow of what my parents went through,
both of them said, "It's true."
Mama, in foster care, suffered alone,
Dad's father's absence, a weight he's known.

Both of them said, "It's true,"
Abuse and rape, Mama's childhood plight,
Dad's father's absence, a weight he's known,
In poverty's grasp, my mom did fight.

Abuse and rape, Mama's childhood plight,
Yet foster brother #1 tormented & raped me some more.
In poverty's grasp, my mom did fight,
Mama's father hospitalized when she was only four.

Yet foster brother # 1, tormented & raped me some more,
And what of me? My silent blues,
Mama's father hospitalized when she was only four,
"Someone always has it worse" than you.

And what of me? My silent blues,
Foster brother # 2 also raped and abused.
"Someone always has it worse" than you,
Memories etched within; each blow bled deep.

Foster brother # 2 was also raped and abused.
Years passed, a frenemy's rage unleashed,
Memories etched within; each blow bled deep,
Punched in the face, torment not brief.

Years passed, a frenemy's rage unleashed,
The music conductor looks away,
Punched in the face, torment not brief,
As we sang, my soul's silent scream released.

The music conductor looks away,
Both parents' words stir rage within my brain
As we sang, my soul's silent scream released,
More adults let me down, justice breeched.

—Someone Always Has It Worse—But What About Me?